


I Would Die for You (But You Won't Do the Same)

by A_Zap



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x10, Angst, Angst thoughts, Gen, Hurt, Inspired by Bruno Mars' "Grenade", Introspective Castiel, Tragedy, Why Castiel did what he did, but not really, slight destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2019-02-15 01:09:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13020081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Zap/pseuds/A_Zap
Summary: It's been a long build up for it to come to this. A peek into how Castiel felt and thought as Lucifer was about to kill him in the Cage. Everyone has their reasons, and these are his for what he's done.Spoilers for 11x10. Title inspired by Bruno Mars' "Grenade."





	I Would Die for You (But You Won't Do the Same)

He was so sick and tired of all of this.

He had tried so hard to do what's right. He had tried so hard to protect those he loved, to save his family.

Now the nicest thing his family could say was that he killed angels. They truly hated him.

And he would have been fine with that. Maybe. Probably. After all, it wouldn't have been the first time he had been despised by them. It wouldn't have been the first time he had turned his back on them. It wouldn't even have been the first time they had hunted him down to kill him.

He may have been fine with that if his other family, the one he had chosen, had actually been his family.

That was all a lie though, wasn't it?

He had thought–

Well, he must surely have thought wrong.

There was a time when he thought that surely they must care. They had made it through the Apocalypse together after all. And all the other obstacles in their way.

The past few years though…

He remembered one time, the first time the Winchesters had truly turned their backs on him without even letting him fully explain, simply writing him off as evil for working with Crowley, where Dean had said that he had thought of him as family, that he "would've died" for him. But looking back, that really begged the question:

When had Dean, or either Winchester really, almost died _for_ him?

Sure, Dean had almost died because of him, when he had been under the influence of first Naomi and then Rowena's spell, but they had never almost died for him. They had never died for him.

He had died for them though.

Over and over, he had thrown away everything and anything for them, for Dean. He had died for them as well, more than once. He was the one who made the sacrifice. He was the one who ended up standing at the side of the road as they drove towards their next adventure.

He had thought that he was their equal, standing beside them, but really, this was his role all along.

He was a tool to them.

Expendable.

"The other one."

He didn't belong with them.

It turned out that he didn't belong anywhere.

Because this was their story. It was called the _Winchester_ Gospels. This was their story, and they were the heroes.

He was just there to make sure they made it to the next chapter.

And it didn't matter what happened to him in the end.

" _Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!"_

He had had hope once though.

He had thought down in that crypt when Dean had said that he needed him that his feelings that he had realized long ago were returned. He had thought that he really wasn't just a tool to be manipulated by Heaven or them.

" _I'm not a hammer, as you say."_

It had hurt though, when he was human and had nothing and Dean had said he couldn't stay. He had lost everything and he had nothing, even less than during the Apocalypse. After all, back then he had still had them. But he had no powers and he couldn't protect Sam, so he had to leave.

Even after Dean explained, there had still been a spark of hurt. He understood that it had been to protect Sam. He had always known that Sam was Dean's number one priority and that nothing or no one would ever come before that. He accepted that.

But Dean couldn't have given him even one of those fake IDs of his? Or told him of a place he _could_ go?

He didn't think that was how you were supposed to treat a friend, much less someone you claim is family.

It's not like he would know better though.

However, it must have been because he didn't have his powers. He had been useless. He was useless, even with his power returned. He would never be at full power again, the damage to his Grace was too much from Metatron's meddling. Only his Father would have the power to heal it and he never intervened, not even with his sister, the greatest evil to be unleashed upon the Earth, on the loose.

He was useless, nothing more than a used up, empty husk. Even the Darkness hadn't considered him worthy to be eaten. She had just used him too as a convenient way to send a message.

And Dean hadn't cared.

He had shown up with a message carved into his chest, and Dean hadn't even reacted. Well, he had reacted, but it was more towards the message than anything else. No "Are you okay?" or "Wow, that looks like it hurts" to acknowledge what he had gone through.

No one cared.

Even now, he had once more saved Dean and the hunter had immediately scrambled to his brother's side. That was normal enough. But even now, as blows rained down on him from Lucifer, as the Devil held an angel blade aloft to kill him, Dean made no move to even try to help him.

He couldn't help but try to rationalize it. _Dean is just a human. This is the Devil who was easily able to overcome him moments ago. Dean stands no chance anyway._ It seemed that even to himself he felt the need to defend the Winchesters. A small doubt still wiggled through though.

_But that has never stopped Dean before._

He had seen him rise to meet overwhelming odds. He had seen him fight when there was no way he could win. He had seen him best those who should have been able to crush him like a bug.

And that was always despite the fact that Sam could have gotten hurt. If Sam was hurt, Dean would check on him and then face his foe. He would fight to protect his brother, his family, or even random strangers.

But now, Dean made no move to help him.

So it was true then.

Metatron had been right. Ambriel had been right. The Darkness had been right. Lucifer had been right.

His own suspicions had been right.

He really had no one and nothing.

He was useless, hapless, and hopeless. He had nothing left to give.

Except one thing.

"Any last words?" Lucifer smirked, like a wild beast that knew its prey had nowhere to go.

Lucifer was the Light-bringer. And what was the best way to combat Darkness that even little children knew? Turning on the light.

He really was their best way to defeat her.

Still…

"Can you really beat her?" He asked.

Lucifer's smile widened, like he knew that he had won. "I can."

The joke would be on him though. After all, last time they had the issue that Lucifer would be possessing Sam, but that was no longer an obstacle. And the truth of the matter had been made abundantly clear to him.

He needed them, more than they needed him.

Dean didn't need him. He just needed Sam.

They all needed Lucifer's help to defeat the Darkness though. If she wasn't stopped all would be lost.

So this made the most sense.

Lucifer would defeat the Darkness.

And then the Winchesters would kill Lucifer, inevitably killing him as well.

It was better this way. Dean and Sam would be able to kill him. It would be far easier for them to kill him than for either one of them to turn their weapons on each other, even possessed. They'd be safe once they were both gone. His death was worth that. Besides this was how things had always worked between them.

He loved Dean. He also loved Sam, but in a different way. He would kill for them, fall for them, and die for them.

But they would never do the same.

"Then yes."

As a bright light flash and he felt Lucifer invade and fill his body, cackling all the while, Castiel had a final thought as he was pushed down into the crushing darkness, a final prayer to his Father who probably wasn't even listening.

_Please. This time, let me die_ right _._

**Author's Note:**

> AN: So I've been thinking about writing this all week and finally got around to it. I really hope they figure it out, because if it takes multiple episodes, I'm gonna go after the Winchesters myself and try to pound their idiocy from them. Okay, before anyone says anything, I do know that the Winchesters really do care, about Cas and everyone else they've considered family. But it is true that they tend to get so wrapped up in the problem and each other that everyone gets pushed aside (and generally dies). Cas is the usual victim of this, and it's a large part of what's pushed him to this point of hating himself so much and being depressed that he says yes to freaking Lucifer. I lay the blame on the Winchesters for this one for treating him like crap and I can't blame him. That's the point of this fic, basically showing his mindset of all this. Actually, if I was Castiel, I probably would have said yes too. Cas deserves better and I hope he comes out of this without too much more trauma. He's been through enough. Oh, and though I normally say "Angel With a Shotgun" suits Cas best, I think Bruno Mars' "Grenade" has been a better fit these past few seasons, hence the title.


End file.
